3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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