How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
