She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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