Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
