i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
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He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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