the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
