Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
