I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
