I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
