i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
