I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize