Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
