we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
