Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
