Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
