I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
