You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
