dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
