Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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