life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In America we eat man semen.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
