Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
