My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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