You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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