woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
