FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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Be still, my beating vagina.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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