WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
