I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I CAN MOONWALK!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
