i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
