Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
This house was built for laser tag.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
