This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He better not be in your backpack
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
