I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
