I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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