No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
