Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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