I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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