I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
ok first of all what the fuck
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
