I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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