i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
