So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize