how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
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Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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