Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I fill condoms, not promises.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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