i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
