I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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