u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
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