Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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