I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
