He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
