I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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