why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
