I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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