woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
