U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
