WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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