My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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