Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
